Where do I go next?

Work has been an absolute pain in the arse for as long as I can remember, over many jobs and many people. Sometime it's been better than others but it's always been a struggle for me. My current job has almost been the worse, somehow I'm paid vast sums of money for doing nothing. Almost literally. Last week I did approximately 30 mins of actual work spread out over a full week. Over a month I may total 2-3 hours of full working time. I'm paid for 160 hours. 

The mismatch has always been there to some degree, I've always 'been real important' whilst not actually doing anything. I don't really get it- it's like people ignore the fact that I don't actually do anything or just assume I'm busy working for someone else? I mean when L was there it was bad enough, I still did not very much but I would at least maybe push 25 hours per week but now so what?

It's been so miserable as well. I've hated every moment of it. I have no impact. No responsibly and produce nothing. No one cares about any actual data analysis. No one cares about any reporting. I mean all the 'reporting' is actually wrong. It always has been. I always know it's wrong, there's just never been any point in fixing it. I produce crap, people don't look at it, I get paid and then next month rolls around and it all starts again. It's an absolute case study in the art of unproductivity. It was the same at BG, nothing of any worth was really produced in the whole time but it took years to actually realise that. 

So I've wasted at least 10 years of my life producing nothing for increasing volumes of money. I think back to my time of being unemployed and how I felt worthless because I had no money coming in. I made a more valuable contribution then than I do now. I had more ideas and ability. It's absolute madness.

So when this all ends I have to do something different, I can't go back in for another round of the void. I need to feel some value and to add something. Not just be told i have some value and add something but it actually know it myself. There's nothing worse than being praised for something you know is a pile of crap, Arggh. Well probably not being praised for a really good job is worse but you should get to sleep better at night for it. 

Hopefully these beta blockers will kill the rush of anxiety that stop me from acting out. Maybe I'll ahve some impetus. Probably not. This is me :( A literal fraud. Arggh. Must do something different. But I need the money coming in, I've got a house and a family and a pension to fund. Can I sacrifice my life for all that? Can I find a compromise? Maybe

tasks:

What is the minimum amount ot earn to allow:

1) After school care

2) Mortgage

3) General expenses

4) Pension outcome of 50K+

Older again * 4.30E+01

 Another birthday hs come and gone and I feel poorly and I ate too much but it was actually alright.  It was nice to have a low key even with my family :) I got the cheesecake of my dreams rather than being lumbered with something bigger and got to have a nice Thai microwave meal rather than having to go out and order something I didn't really want to have. It would've been nice to cook something ut I really don't feel I have the energy or wherewithal and I feel the state of the kitchen isn't really concussive to it.

Outside of that I feel work is probing where and when I am after me vanishing a lot yesterday, feel a bit annoyed that no mention was made of my birthday but probably shouldn't as I don't really bother with anyone else. Tis what it is. Was a bit crap not actually doing anything all day though. I don't really know which direction to take it.

Do I grind out as long as I can, getting in a reasonable amount of money for basically training myself and having no real responsibility or do I force myself out and get a job? I can't see how things could last past one more year but one more year is a nice extra amount of money coming in. It would be £70k of which £20k would be pensioned + a lot of time basically doing what I wanted, free education. I think there's no way other than to push on with this for now. Think I'll be outed soon though as I obviously don't actually do anything. A year now of about 1 day worth of work a week. It's mental. 

New pills and changes afoot

 As per usual I burnt brightly an a burnt quickly. After a month of writing I moved on in my mind to my next interest and left this to the wayside. Work became ever more crap as things went along and I lost interest in actually doing anything even slightly mentally taxing. Funnily enough, as some of those pressures have started to abate I've found myself interested in being creative and improving myself again.

A few things that need talking about but not for today:

1) How crap work became - the relief I feel now people have gone is testament to how rubbish it was

2) My increasing hypochondria and the travails I've been through due to it

3) My lack of permanent future role

I think I'll cover work in one post in the future (2/3 days or 2/3 years from now -who knows?) so maybe i should stick to a bit of mental health for now.

I found my anxiety levels were working over time over the past few months, everything was setting me off, I was scared of my own shadow, jumping at any noise and finding it intolerable to cope with shouting and sudden demands of my attention. In the context of that i went to back to the doctors to complain I wasn't dealing to well. I wanted something fun, I got some beta blockers. 

They have proven to be quite interesting, absolutely draining me but at the same time making me feel a bit of an enjoyable 'drunk' feeling. It's most peculiar to feel your body not quite reacting like it should and is giving me an odd confidence (right now) of a belief maybe by brain won't quiver when put into an anxiety situation. A lot of my problems generally do come from having my anxiety response triggered so if they can adequately suspend that rush of adrenaline then I could genuinely believe they'll help me. For the time being though they haven't really been tested so we'll see how much of this is placebo and how much is real. The jury is definitely out but it's fun being marginally fucked up for a short while.

Outside of that I've had the Mirtazipine bumped up to 45mg by a well-meaning lady who suggest I needed adult social services due to the 'burden' that i'm under. I'm not really convinced but it is a reasonable amount of pressure. 

Now I'm tired. Lets see if I can write more tomorrow :) 

One minute maths fun

More fractal fun, the video is really starting to come together, I think playing it in reverse sorts out lots of the problems of it initially being a bit boring. I now just need a bit showing that z=z^2+c do a voice over and we're done.

 

Fractal fun!

 Mit muzak!!!

Yeah I decided to mess around and have fun and add my awesome!!!1 signature theme and some title cards to this production. I think they'll most likely go back to silent soon. 

3 Days of being slowly cooked alive

 It's not easy being Autistic it turns out. I've always known being me can be a bit tricky but it was all bought into sharp focus during the past few days. Following the ending of the lovely covid restrictions I've been forced to go back into the office, I need to 'show my face' 3 days a week it seems, to what ends I'm not really sure but there you go. This week (and last) the 'senior' '''''leadership''''' team have been over from Australia. They're loud, obnoxious and without a doubt absolute chancers. Regardless of that though it means the office has been absolutely packed with people like it's never been before and I think it's just been too much for me.

There's been impromptu meetings taking place behind my head, multiple shouted conversations going on between people, dogs barking, ooh the darks bark. It's driven me mad I don't know how I'm meant to deal with it. I sit there facing the computing screen but the voices are so loud it's like they're shouting in my ears directly and I just can't switch my brain off from it. I don't care about you like alpha romeos, I don't care about your employment tribunal potential, I don't care about your meal last night I DONT CARE I DONT WANT TO KNOW. I just have no way to block it out. I quite like Lulu the dog, she's a lovely little thing but my whole body can't deal with that barking, every time it happens it sets of my startle reflex until I'm an exhausted pile of quivering adrenaline. Any moment people may talk to me, I feel exposed like I should interact but no idea how or why. 

It doesn't help that L is a terrible manager, he introduces me to no one involves me in nothing and just leaves me there, which is fine I guess but not really helpful for me. The new member of the team hasn't tried to speak to me once, I've got bored of trying to make conversation with her yet she happily speaks ot other people. Why? These problems started when I went off from work the first time, before then I'd always fitted in at BG, got on with people ok and felt like I had a place. Since that moment I've felt in free fall, completely unable to integrate with other people, unable to trust or talk to people, unable to fit in. It's just like it used to be before i  was 'cured' the first time back in 2005/6, it all particularly reminds me of the first time at university. Just that feeling of having literally nothing in common with anyone, nothing to talk about , no allies, no one to look forward to seeing, just endless unlimited sensory assault. It's not a way to work. But this is 2 jobs now in a row I've felt like this so it seems the problem is in me :( 

It leaves me feeling completely adrift, completely at sea in work. On the plus side I have a family to fall back on, I have a home I'm comfortable with. On the negative side that comes at a large financial cost that i've got to maintain. All I know is that I'm still tense and I'm at home today and haven't done anything. I can't I feel that exhausted from being in; I just need a lie down :( I slept through from 8pm last night. It exhausts me physically and mentally. This is no way to live.

So what do I do?  I need a calmer environment, someone technical and specific, somewhere much more autistic. I need somewhere with compassion. I need to leave where I am. I need to finish my degree. I need to think. 

Storyboarding fractals

 Having worked out a reasonable but unresponsive fractal generator I know want to start working on an animation showing what a fractal is. I think I’ll do the first draft in matplotlib but reckon I can probably start moving to something a little lower level as ultimately I have an matrix of colours so rendering it should be relatively easy. I’ve also now built a function to draw out a grid and the number in that so that helps with the first part of the idea  

1. Title card over a fractal. I need better colours for my fractals.
2. Fractal desolves to nothing, a matrix of zeroes appear.
3. The numbers slowly start filling in, until we have a madelbrot in number form
4. The numbers slowly start colouring in the colours scheme of the fractal. Slowly at first and then quicker and quicker. Whilst the colours appear the larger numbers get a little bolder and darker and the lower numbers a little paler and small.
5. Next the background of the grid starts filling with the same colours as the numbers until the numbers are subsumed  
6. Once this is complete the resolution of the madlebrot gets increasingly large, use a blur fade between each stage.
7. We end by zooming in on a point to reveal another madlebrot, each step is reversed back into numbers.