I have a title and a theme but no idea where I need to start. Depression, it's a difficult one, its return is almost bitter sweet, like the onset of Autumn. You get to experience new colours, different smells and sounds but it's all underpinned by a sense of death and decay.
I've suffered from depression for many, many years and I'm sure it's a theme I'll return to a lot as for a long time I thought depression was the cause of my problems and not just a symptom of them. I remember first experiencing a real sense of it when I had just turned 12 but then it continued, ebbing a flowing but ever present until I was 25 ish. I never understood it, never could see why it was there, what caused it, I had glimpses, I was lonely, I was useless but I couldn't understand the general pattern to it. If I could just beat it there would be a better future.
I kind of have beaten it off and on, 2006-2018ish were actually pretty good going. I was generally happy apart from the odd bit here and there but I did ok. It came back with the stuff with J around 2012 but then went away again as me and T got together and I understood real love. Unfortunately over the past few years it's come back again, not as strongly as it has been. I don't feel like regularly killing myself, but it's definitely been much worse. It started with a complete blow out at work and just hasn't quite recovered since. I haven\'t really done very much work wise since September 2018, fortunately I've been employed and paid for the vast majority of that period but I haven't been in anyway productive. I think I have too much on, I think having kids, doing university stuff and working is too much for me, particularly the working and the unpredictability of my day.
Definitely need to kick this current bad patch though!
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