So, the past few weeks have been quite difficult for me, the last two in-particular. I've found my mood slipping into the dark depths a little bit and am finding my anxiety levels are higher than I would like them to be, I've been drinking too much and have been having difficulties focussing and starting on any new projects. On top of all of that I've started having some sleeping difficulties, on Thursday or Friday last week I was up past midnight, purely because my brain didn't want to shut down. All in all there's a lot of warning signs going on.
The bigger thing to confront is why have I been like this? I think now I've had my diagnosis I can be much more confident in stating 'it's work'. It's uncertainty, not knowing what precisely Im' meant to be doing from one day to the next. There's no order and no structure but I can't even really add that in as the lack of order and structure allows me time to do university stuff. I think rushing through the linear programming has meant that I felt I'd lost part of my routine and I had to start the much less structured project work there. On top of all this there's been the covid situation, I've got to start going back into the office from tomorrow. Part of me is glad as that'll give me a clearer focus and routine, part of me is apprehensive as I'll have to navigate people again. I think the routine would be good if only I can stick to a regular shift. Monday-Wednesday in, Thursday/Friday at home. I imagine the fear of change is gonna be worse than the actual change but we'll see.
As part of managing all this I've had a call with the doctor again this morning. I always find these things highly stressful, I used to think it was an authority figure/asking for help kind of thing but now I'm not so sure. It's because it's unstructured, I don't really know how to behave or what is expected of me, what script to use so it can be pretty tiring. In the end it went pretty well though, I explain the situation, he upped my Escitalopram from 10mg to 20mg so hopefully that will dull the edges just a little bit. Part of the problem is I no longer expect a miracle cure so won't get one but I know the Escitalopram worked somewhat so it should do something I reckon. Fingers crossed
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