It's not easy being Autistic it turns out. I've always known being me can be a bit tricky but it was all bought into sharp focus during the past few days. Following the ending of the lovely covid restrictions I've been forced to go back into the office, I need to 'show my face' 3 days a week it seems, to what ends I'm not really sure but there you go. This week (and last) the 'senior' '''''leadership''''' team have been over from Australia. They're loud, obnoxious and without a doubt absolute chancers. Regardless of that though it means the office has been absolutely packed with people like it's never been before and I think it's just been too much for me.
There's been impromptu meetings taking place behind my head, multiple shouted conversations going on between people, dogs barking, ooh the darks bark. It's driven me mad I don't know how I'm meant to deal with it. I sit there facing the computing screen but the voices are so loud it's like they're shouting in my ears directly and I just can't switch my brain off from it. I don't care about you like alpha romeos, I don't care about your employment tribunal potential, I don't care about your meal last night I DONT CARE I DONT WANT TO KNOW. I just have no way to block it out. I quite like Lulu the dog, she's a lovely little thing but my whole body can't deal with that barking, every time it happens it sets of my startle reflex until I'm an exhausted pile of quivering adrenaline. Any moment people may talk to me, I feel exposed like I should interact but no idea how or why.
It doesn't help that L is a terrible manager, he introduces me to no one involves me in nothing and just leaves me there, which is fine I guess but not really helpful for me. The new member of the team hasn't tried to speak to me once, I've got bored of trying to make conversation with her yet she happily speaks ot other people. Why? These problems started when I went off from work the first time, before then I'd always fitted in at BG, got on with people ok and felt like I had a place. Since that moment I've felt in free fall, completely unable to integrate with other people, unable to trust or talk to people, unable to fit in. It's just like it used to be before i was 'cured' the first time back in 2005/6, it all particularly reminds me of the first time at university. Just that feeling of having literally nothing in common with anyone, nothing to talk about , no allies, no one to look forward to seeing, just endless unlimited sensory assault. It's not a way to work. But this is 2 jobs now in a row I've felt like this so it seems the problem is in me :(
It leaves me feeling completely adrift, completely at sea in work. On the plus side I have a family to fall back on, I have a home I'm comfortable with. On the negative side that comes at a large financial cost that i've got to maintain. All I know is that I'm still tense and I'm at home today and haven't done anything. I can't I feel that exhausted from being in; I just need a lie down :( I slept through from 8pm last night. It exhausts me physically and mentally. This is no way to live.
So what do I do? I need a calmer environment, someone technical and specific, somewhere much more autistic. I need somewhere with compassion. I need to leave where I am. I need to finish my degree. I need to think.
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