Where do I go next?

Work has been an absolute pain in the arse for as long as I can remember, over many jobs and many people. Sometime it's been better than others but it's always been a struggle for me. My current job has almost been the worse, somehow I'm paid vast sums of money for doing nothing. Almost literally. Last week I did approximately 30 mins of actual work spread out over a full week. Over a month I may total 2-3 hours of full working time. I'm paid for 160 hours. 

The mismatch has always been there to some degree, I've always 'been real important' whilst not actually doing anything. I don't really get it- it's like people ignore the fact that I don't actually do anything or just assume I'm busy working for someone else? I mean when L was there it was bad enough, I still did not very much but I would at least maybe push 25 hours per week but now so what?

It's been so miserable as well. I've hated every moment of it. I have no impact. No responsibly and produce nothing. No one cares about any actual data analysis. No one cares about any reporting. I mean all the 'reporting' is actually wrong. It always has been. I always know it's wrong, there's just never been any point in fixing it. I produce crap, people don't look at it, I get paid and then next month rolls around and it all starts again. It's an absolute case study in the art of unproductivity. It was the same at BG, nothing of any worth was really produced in the whole time but it took years to actually realise that. 

So I've wasted at least 10 years of my life producing nothing for increasing volumes of money. I think back to my time of being unemployed and how I felt worthless because I had no money coming in. I made a more valuable contribution then than I do now. I had more ideas and ability. It's absolute madness.

So when this all ends I have to do something different, I can't go back in for another round of the void. I need to feel some value and to add something. Not just be told i have some value and add something but it actually know it myself. There's nothing worse than being praised for something you know is a pile of crap, Arggh. Well probably not being praised for a really good job is worse but you should get to sleep better at night for it. 

Hopefully these beta blockers will kill the rush of anxiety that stop me from acting out. Maybe I'll ahve some impetus. Probably not. This is me :( A literal fraud. Arggh. Must do something different. But I need the money coming in, I've got a house and a family and a pension to fund. Can I sacrifice my life for all that? Can I find a compromise? Maybe

tasks:

What is the minimum amount ot earn to allow:

1) After school care

2) Mortgage

3) General expenses

4) Pension outcome of 50K+

Older again * 4.30E+01

 Another birthday hs come and gone and I feel poorly and I ate too much but it was actually alright.  It was nice to have a low key even with my family :) I got the cheesecake of my dreams rather than being lumbered with something bigger and got to have a nice Thai microwave meal rather than having to go out and order something I didn't really want to have. It would've been nice to cook something ut I really don't feel I have the energy or wherewithal and I feel the state of the kitchen isn't really concussive to it.

Outside of that I feel work is probing where and when I am after me vanishing a lot yesterday, feel a bit annoyed that no mention was made of my birthday but probably shouldn't as I don't really bother with anyone else. Tis what it is. Was a bit crap not actually doing anything all day though. I don't really know which direction to take it.

Do I grind out as long as I can, getting in a reasonable amount of money for basically training myself and having no real responsibility or do I force myself out and get a job? I can't see how things could last past one more year but one more year is a nice extra amount of money coming in. It would be £70k of which £20k would be pensioned + a lot of time basically doing what I wanted, free education. I think there's no way other than to push on with this for now. Think I'll be outed soon though as I obviously don't actually do anything. A year now of about 1 day worth of work a week. It's mental. 

New pills and changes afoot

 As per usual I burnt brightly an a burnt quickly. After a month of writing I moved on in my mind to my next interest and left this to the wayside. Work became ever more crap as things went along and I lost interest in actually doing anything even slightly mentally taxing. Funnily enough, as some of those pressures have started to abate I've found myself interested in being creative and improving myself again.

A few things that need talking about but not for today:

1) How crap work became - the relief I feel now people have gone is testament to how rubbish it was

2) My increasing hypochondria and the travails I've been through due to it

3) My lack of permanent future role

I think I'll cover work in one post in the future (2/3 days or 2/3 years from now -who knows?) so maybe i should stick to a bit of mental health for now.

I found my anxiety levels were working over time over the past few months, everything was setting me off, I was scared of my own shadow, jumping at any noise and finding it intolerable to cope with shouting and sudden demands of my attention. In the context of that i went to back to the doctors to complain I wasn't dealing to well. I wanted something fun, I got some beta blockers. 

They have proven to be quite interesting, absolutely draining me but at the same time making me feel a bit of an enjoyable 'drunk' feeling. It's most peculiar to feel your body not quite reacting like it should and is giving me an odd confidence (right now) of a belief maybe by brain won't quiver when put into an anxiety situation. A lot of my problems generally do come from having my anxiety response triggered so if they can adequately suspend that rush of adrenaline then I could genuinely believe they'll help me. For the time being though they haven't really been tested so we'll see how much of this is placebo and how much is real. The jury is definitely out but it's fun being marginally fucked up for a short while.

Outside of that I've had the Mirtazipine bumped up to 45mg by a well-meaning lady who suggest I needed adult social services due to the 'burden' that i'm under. I'm not really convinced but it is a reasonable amount of pressure. 

Now I'm tired. Lets see if I can write more tomorrow :)