New pills and changes afoot

 As per usual I burnt brightly an a burnt quickly. After a month of writing I moved on in my mind to my next interest and left this to the wayside. Work became ever more crap as things went along and I lost interest in actually doing anything even slightly mentally taxing. Funnily enough, as some of those pressures have started to abate I've found myself interested in being creative and improving myself again.

A few things that need talking about but not for today:

1) How crap work became - the relief I feel now people have gone is testament to how rubbish it was

2) My increasing hypochondria and the travails I've been through due to it

3) My lack of permanent future role

I think I'll cover work in one post in the future (2/3 days or 2/3 years from now -who knows?) so maybe i should stick to a bit of mental health for now.

I found my anxiety levels were working over time over the past few months, everything was setting me off, I was scared of my own shadow, jumping at any noise and finding it intolerable to cope with shouting and sudden demands of my attention. In the context of that i went to back to the doctors to complain I wasn't dealing to well. I wanted something fun, I got some beta blockers. 

They have proven to be quite interesting, absolutely draining me but at the same time making me feel a bit of an enjoyable 'drunk' feeling. It's most peculiar to feel your body not quite reacting like it should and is giving me an odd confidence (right now) of a belief maybe by brain won't quiver when put into an anxiety situation. A lot of my problems generally do come from having my anxiety response triggered so if they can adequately suspend that rush of adrenaline then I could genuinely believe they'll help me. For the time being though they haven't really been tested so we'll see how much of this is placebo and how much is real. The jury is definitely out but it's fun being marginally fucked up for a short while.

Outside of that I've had the Mirtazipine bumped up to 45mg by a well-meaning lady who suggest I needed adult social services due to the 'burden' that i'm under. I'm not really convinced but it is a reasonable amount of pressure. 

Now I'm tired. Lets see if I can write more tomorrow :)