Work has been an absolute pain in the arse for as long as I can remember, over many jobs and many people. Sometime it's been better than others but it's always been a struggle for me. My current job has almost been the worse, somehow I'm paid vast sums of money for doing nothing. Almost literally. Last week I did approximately 30 mins of actual work spread out over a full week. Over a month I may total 2-3 hours of full working time. I'm paid for 160 hours.
The mismatch has always been there to some degree, I've always 'been real important' whilst not actually doing anything. I don't really get it- it's like people ignore the fact that I don't actually do anything or just assume I'm busy working for someone else? I mean when L was there it was bad enough, I still did not very much but I would at least maybe push 25 hours per week but now so what?
It's been so miserable as well. I've hated every moment of it. I have no impact. No responsibly and produce nothing. No one cares about any actual data analysis. No one cares about any reporting. I mean all the 'reporting' is actually wrong. It always has been. I always know it's wrong, there's just never been any point in fixing it. I produce crap, people don't look at it, I get paid and then next month rolls around and it all starts again. It's an absolute case study in the art of unproductivity. It was the same at BG, nothing of any worth was really produced in the whole time but it took years to actually realise that.
So I've wasted at least 10 years of my life producing nothing for increasing volumes of money. I think back to my time of being unemployed and how I felt worthless because I had no money coming in. I made a more valuable contribution then than I do now. I had more ideas and ability. It's absolute madness.
So when this all ends I have to do something different, I can't go back in for another round of the void. I need to feel some value and to add something. Not just be told i have some value and add something but it actually know it myself. There's nothing worse than being praised for something you know is a pile of crap, Arggh. Well probably not being praised for a really good job is worse but you should get to sleep better at night for it.
Hopefully these beta blockers will kill the rush of anxiety that stop me from acting out. Maybe I'll ahve some impetus. Probably not. This is me :( A literal fraud. Arggh. Must do something different. But I need the money coming in, I've got a house and a family and a pension to fund. Can I sacrifice my life for all that? Can I find a compromise? Maybe
tasks:
What is the minimum amount ot earn to allow:
1) After school care
2) Mortgage
3) General expenses
4) Pension outcome of 50K+
No comments:
Post a Comment